" "
― Harpo Marx
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"A classic is a book which people praise and don't read."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points."
― Mae West, Mary Jane West (1893 to 1980)
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."
― Henry Louis Mencken (1880 to 1956)
"A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern."
― Edgar A. Shoaff
"A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education."
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 to 1950)
"A friend of mine is in jail for counterfeiting pennies."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"A man came into the office one day and said he was a sailor. We cured him of that."
― Mark Twain, on his days as a doctor's apprentice in California
"A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"A man who is a genius and doesn't know it probably isn't."
― Stanislaw J. Lec (1909 - 1966) Polish aphorist, poet, satirist
"A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students."
― John Anthony Ciardi (1916 to 1986)
"About a maid I'll sing a song, sing rickety-tickety tin, About a maid I'll sing a song who didn't have her family long. Not only did she do them wrong, she did ev'ryone of them in . . ."
― Tom Lehrer, Thomas Andrew Lehrer (born 1928), The Irish Ballad
"Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Adopted kids are such a pain ― you have to teach them how to look like you . . . ."
― Gilda Susan Radner (1946 to 1989)
"Adore: To venerate expectantly."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." ― "This is true," He replied. ― "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. ― "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" ― "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." ― It was so granted."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone."
― Dave Barry, What is Electricity?
"Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910), The Mysterious Stranger
"All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"
― Dave Barry, Sweating Out Taxes
"All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around you. Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs ― bank vice presidents, insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense ― and you'll realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real successes, the people who make a lot more money than you ― Elton John, Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They all dress funny ― and they all succeed. Are you catching on? "
― Dave Barry, How to Dress for Real Success
"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Alone: In bad company."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office."
― Dave Barry, What is Electricity?
"Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting."
― Dave Barry, What is Electricity?
"Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America"."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"An experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?"
― Dave Barry, What is Electricity?
"Angels we have heard on high, tell us to go out and . . . Buy."
― Tom Lehrer, Thomas Andrew Lehrer (born 1928)
"Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."
― W. C. Fields, William Claude Dukenfield (1880 to 1946)
"Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb, I find that I care less and less, . . . Who goes to bed with whom."
― Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Rothschild (1893 to 1967)
"As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance."
― National Lampoon, Deteriorata
"Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep."
― National Lampoon, Deteriorata
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach . . . it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Bad artists always admire each other's work."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face."
― National Lampoon, Deteriorata
"Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Be virtuous . . . and you will be eccentric."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel."
― Oscar Levant (1906 to 1972)
"Bernice's Hair, (noun): A constellation (Coma Berenices) named in honor of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. "Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men ― they honored so the dame ― Upon some stars bestowed her name. ― But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. [G. J.]"
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Birth: The first and direst of all disasters."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Brain, noun: An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Brain, verb: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
"Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. . . . They further believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"But don't you worry . . . . . No more ashes, no more sackcloth! . . And an armband made of black cloth, will some day never more adorn a sleeve. . . . For if the bomb that drops on you . . . Gets your friends and neighbors too, . . . There'll be nobody left behind to grieve. . . . And we will all go together when we go. What a comforting fact that is to know. Universal bereavement, an inspiring achievement. Yes, we all will go together when we go! We will all go together when we go. . . . All suffuse with an incandescent glow. . . . No one will have the endurance . . to collect on his insurance, Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go."
― Tom Lehrer, Thomas Andrew Lehrer (born 1928) in the lyrics to his satirical song We will all go together when we go performed on the television show That Was The Week That Was
"But it was impossible to save the Great Republic. She was rotten to the heart. Lust of conquest had long ago done its work; trampling upon the helpless abroad had taught her, by a natural process, to endure with apathy the like at home; multitudes who had applauded the crushing of other people's liberties, lived to suffer for their mistake in their own persons. The government was irrevocably in the hands of the prodigiously rich and their hangers-on; the suffrage was become a mere machine, which they used as they chose. There was no principle but commercialism, no patriotism but of the pocket."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery ― go!"
― Mark "The Bard" Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: The electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases."
― Dave Barry, What is Electricity?
"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny ― Did you ever try buying then without money?"
― Frederic Ogden Nash (1902 to 1971)
"Children aren't happy without something to ignore, . . . and that's what parents were created for."
― Frederic Ogden Nash (1902 to 1971)
"Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum" ― "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?"
― Dave Barry, Read This First!
"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
"Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Cynic, noun: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
"Dawn, noun: The time when men of reason go to bed. ― Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
"Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S."
― Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
"Death: to stop sinning suddenly."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) in The Devil's Dictionary
"Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few."
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 to 1950)
"Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"DETERIORATA: Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, And heed well their advice ― even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss ― and when. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, But that three lefts do. Wherever possible, put people on 'HOLD'. Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, And despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer maintenance. You are a fluke of the universe . . . You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe Is laughing behind your back."
― National Lampoon
"Did you know that clones never use mirrors?"
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same."
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 to 1950)
"Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?"
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together . . . ."
― Carl Zwanzig, Information Technology professional
"Dullness is the coming of age of seriousness."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Economics: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith . . ."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"Education: That which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"Etymology, (noun): Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. From the Latin "etus," meaning "eaten," the root "mal," meaning "bad," and "logy," meaning "study of." It means "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
― Mike Kellen, Oakdale, Minnesota
"Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Faith is believing what you know ain't so."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Faith, noun: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) in The Devil's Dictionary
"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"First you get down on your knees, Fiddle with your rosaries, Bow your head with great respect, And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Do whatever steps you want, if you've cleared them with the Pontiff. Everybody's sayin their own Kyrie eleison, Doin' the Vatican Rag. Get in line in that processional, Step into that small confessional, there, the guy who's got religion'll Tell you if your sin's original. . . . If it is, try playin' it safer, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, two, four, six, eight, time to transubstantiate! So get down upon your knees, Fiddle with your rosaries, Bow your head with great respect, And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Make a cross on your abdomen, When in Rome do like the Romans, . . . Ave Maria, gee it's good to see ya, gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' doin' the Vatican Rag!"
― Tom Lehrer, Thomas Andrew Lehrer (born 1928) in the lyrics to his satirical song Vatican Rag performed to honky-tonk piano on the television show That Was The Week That Was
"Football is a game for rough girls, not suitable for delicate boys."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 'c', 'y' and 'x' ― bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez ― tu riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld."
― from A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling, Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"For the good we get from art is not what we learn from it; it is what we become through it. Its real influence will be in giving the mind that enthusiasm which is the secret of Hellenism, accustoming it to demand from art all that art can do in rearranging the facts of common life for us--whether it be by giving the most spiritual interpretation of one's own moments of highest passion or the most sensuous expression of those thoughts that are the farthest removed from sense; in accustoming it to love the things of the imagination for their own sake, and to desire beauty and grace in all things. For he who does not love art in all things does not love it at all, and he who does not need art in all things does not need it at all."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900), in The English Renaissance of Art - a lecture delivered at Chickering Hall, New York, January 9, 1892
"For we were little Christian children and early learned the value of forbidden fruit."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof."
― National Lampoon, Deteriorata
"God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter."
― University of Michigan graffiti from HumourNet
"God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"God may have created man, but I could have done a better job."
― Erma Louise Bombeck, Erma Fiste (1927 to 1996)
"Gold: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Happiness is having a scratch for every itch."
― Frederic Ogden Nash (1902 to 1971)
"Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things."
― Tom Lehrer, Thomas Andrew Lehrer (born 1928)
"Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
― Dave Barry, Tenting Grandpa Bob
"Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"He hadn't a single redeeming vice."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains."
― Walter Crawford Kelly, Jr. (August 25, 1913 to October 18, 1973), American cartoonist Pogo
"Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"History doesn't repeat itself, but it rhymes."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Homicide: There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy . . ."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
"Humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
― William Schwenck Gilbert, (1836 to 1911)
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
― W.C. Fields
"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
― William Schwenck Gilbert, (1836 to 1911) in The Mikado
"I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford."
― Dave Barry
"I broke a leg one time . . . Spilled coffee all over."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys . . . and the building started up. So I took it out for a drive. A cop pulled me over for speeding. He asked me where I live . . ."Right here"."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's much too confining."
― Lilly Tomlin
"I can live for two months on a good compliment."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."
― Jack Benny, (1894 to 1974)
"I felt it was my duty to praise all of God's works with fervent enthusiasm. At the same time I killed flies in my house in a spirit of hatred, exasperation and contempt. My praise to God for all his works was dishonest, the act of killing the fly was honest."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.' "
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I have an answering machine in my car for my cellular phone. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"I have seen several entirely sincere people who thought they were (permanent) Seekers after Truth. They sought diligently, persistently, carefully, cautiously, profoundly, with perfect honesty and nicely adjusted judgment--until they believed that without doubt or question they had found the Truth. That was the end of the search. The man spent the rest of his life hunting up shingles wherewith to protect his Truth from the weather. If he was seeking after political Truth he found it in one or another of the hundred political gospels which govern men in the earth; if he was seeking after the 'Only True Religion' he found it in one or another of the three thousand that are on the market. In any case, when he found the Truth he sought no further; but from that day forth, with his soldering-iron in one hand and his bludgeon in the other he tinkered its leaks and reasoned with objectors."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate."
― George Burns, Nathan Birnbaum (1896 to 1996)
"I know there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I HATE people like that."
― Tom Lehrer, Thomas Andrew Lehrer (born 1928)
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
― Doctor Seuss, Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 to 1991)
"I like Wagner's music better than anybody's. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without people hearing what one says."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"I love to go down to the playground and watch the children jump up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
― Emo Philips, Phil Soltanec (born 1956)
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up."
― Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"I once made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it'."
― Oscar Levant (1906 to 1972)
"I once saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I once saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying "FLEE AT ONCE - ALL IS DISCOVERED". . . . They all left town immediately."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I spilled spot remover on my dog . . . now he's gone."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all."
― Frederic Ogden Nash (1902 to 1971)
"I was always heedless. I was born heedless; and therefore I was constantly, and quite unconsciously, committing breaches of the minor proprieties, which brought upon me humiliations which ought to have humiliated me but didn't, because I didn't know anything had happened."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910), Mark Twain's Autobiography, edited by Albert Bigelow Paine
"I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I was playing poker the other night . . . with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."
― Woody Allen
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water! "
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Idealist: a cynic in the making."
― Irving Layton
"Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
"If Christ were here now, there is one thing he would not be ― a Christian."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead . . ."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve!"
― Pat Paulson, Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"If there is a God, he is a malign thug."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere."
― Steve Bhaerman as Swami Beyondananda
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party next year. What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one . . . If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you . . . Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly ― sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. . . . . . You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin, and, if they are in season, eggs . . . . . Police: Good evening, are you the host? Host: No. Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. Host: About the drugs? Police: No. Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? Police: No, the noise. Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors? Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down? Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down."
― Dave Barry
"If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to a library."
― Frank Zappa
"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is: there is no key to the Universe. The good news is: it has been left unlocked."
― Swami Beyondananda
"IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret."
― Dave Barry, Read This First!
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death"
― George Denis Patrick Carlin (1937 to 2008)
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."
― Jules de Gaultier (1858 to 1942)
"Imagination, (noun): A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) in The Devil's Dictionary
"Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour . . . You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was 'right', that we were winning . . . And that, I think, was the handle ― the sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply 'prevail'. There was no point in fighting ― on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave . . . . . So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark ― the place where the wave finally broke and rolled back."
― Hunter Stockton Thompson (1937 to 2005), Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
"In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Lower Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. That is an average of a trifle over one mile and a third per year. Therefore, any calm person, who is not blind or idiotic, can see that in the Old Oölitic Silurian Period, just a million years ago next November, the Lower Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long, and stuck out over the Gulf of Mexico like a fishing-rod. And by the same token any person can see that seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Lower Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long, and Cairo and New Orleans will have joined their streets together, and be plodding comfortably along under a single mayor and a mutual board of aldermen. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
― Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi, 1874 in Darrell Huff's, How to Lie with Statistics, 1954.
"Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion."
― Attribution unknown
"Ink, (noun): A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth."
― Will Rogers
"Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"It is always with the best intentions that the worst work is done."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"It is best to read the weather forecast before praying for rain."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"It is better that a man should tyrannize over his bank balance than over his fellow-citizens."
― John Mayard Keynes
"It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have these three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to practice neither."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing I used to be a good boy."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910), The Innocents Abroad
"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Justice: A decision in your favor."
― Attribution unknown
"Kin: An affliction of the blood."
― Attribution unknown
"Kleptomaniac: A rich thief."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Let's talk about how to fill out your tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money."
― Dave Barry, Sweating Out Taxes
"Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it."
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 to 1950)
"Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date."
― Attribution unknown
"Life is a glorious cycle of song, a medley of extemporanea! And Love is a thing that can never go wrong, . . . and I am Marie of Rumania.."
― Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Rothschild (1893 to 1967)
"Life is too short to be taken seriously."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen."
― Attribution unknown
"Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art."
― Frederic Ogden Nash (1902 to 1971)
"Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes."
― Attribution unknown
"Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence . . ."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child ― if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender."
― W. C. Fields
"Magnet, (noun): Something acted upon by magnetism ― Magnetism, (noun): Something acting upon a magnet. ― The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. ― Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. ― Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law."
― Attribution unknown
"Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
― Lily Tomlin
"Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Man is a religious Animal. He is the only religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion ― several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910) The Damned Human Race
"Man is the only religious animal. In the Holy task of smoothing his brother's path to the happiness of heaven, he has turned the globe into a graveyard."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Man is the only animal that blushes ― or needs to."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire. What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers."
― Dave Barry, Sports is a Drag
"Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday . . . ."
― Walter Crawford Kelly, Jr. (August 25, 1913 to October 18, 1973), American cartoonist Pogo
"'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability."
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 to 1950)
"Men are amused by almost any idiot thing ― that is why professional ice hockey is so popular ― so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires."
― Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide ― Gifts for Men
"Men know life too early, women too late"
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Modesty died when false modesty was born."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter . . . The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion . . ."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions are all based upon that large defect in your race ― the individual's distrust of his neighbor, and his desire, for safety's or comfort's sake, to stand well in his neighbor's eye. These institutions will always remain, and always flourish, and always oppress you, affront you, and degrade you, because you will always be and remain slaves of minorities. There was never a country where the majority of people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions."
― The Mysterious Stranger Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Mr. Clemens was once asked whether he feared death. He said that he did not, in view of the fact that he had been dead for billions and billions of years before he was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"My alphabet starts with this letter called yuzz. It's the letter I use to spell yuzz-a-ma-tuzz. You'll be sort of surprised what there is to be found once you go beyond 'Z' and start poking around!"
― Doctor Seuss, Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 to 1991)
"My ass . . . on 454 billboards, throughout the middle east . . . and still the fighting continues . . .!"
― Buddy Cole - Scott Thompson in Kids in the Hall
"My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here"."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"My father built a quicksand box in our back yard. I was an only child, eventually."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter he got."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
― Emo Philips, Phil Soltanec (born 1956)
"Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Never learn to do anything. If you don't learn, you will always find someone else to do it for you."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Next we had Egyptian wars, Greek wars, Roman wars, hideous drenchings of the earth with blood; and we saw the treacheries of the Romans toward the Carthaginians, and the sickening spectacle of the massacre of those brave people. Also we saw Caesar invade Britain ― "not that those barbarians had done him any harm, but because he wanted their land, and desired to confer the blessings of civilization upon their widows and orphans," as Satan explained. "Next, Christianity was born. Then ages of Europe passed in review before us, and we saw Christianity and Civilization march hand in hand through those ages, "leaving famine and death and desolation in their wake, and other signs of the progress of the human race," as Satan observed. "And always we had wars, and more wars, and still other wars ― all over Europe, all over the world. "Sometimes in the private interest of royal families," Satan said, "sometimes to crush a weak nation; but never a war started by the aggressor for any clean purpose ― there is no such war in the history of the race." "Now," said Satan, "you have seen your progress down to the present, and you must confess that it is wonderful ― in its way. We must now exhibit the future." "He showed us slaughters more terrible in their destruction of life, more devastating in their engines of war, than any we had seen. "You perceive," he said, "that you have made continual progress. Cain did his murder with a club; the Hebrews did their murders with javelins and swords; the Greeks and Romans added protective armor and the fine arts of military organization and generalship; the Christian has added guns and gunpowder; a few centuries from now he will have so greatly improved the deadly effectiveness of his weapons of slaughter that all men will confess that without Christian civilization war must have remained a poor and trifling thing to the end of time."
― The Mysterious Stranger Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Noise proves nothing--often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Noncombatant: A dead Quaker."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) in The Devil's Dictionary
"November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
― Walter Crawford Kelly, Jr. (1913 to 1973)
"Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop quickly."
― Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide ― Gifts for Children
"O Lord our God, help us tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910), The War Prayer
"Ocean: A body of water occupying 2/3 of a world made for man...who has no gills."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Often, the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"Once, (adverb): Enough."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
― Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide
"Once Law was sitting on the bench ― And Mercy knelt a-weeping. ― "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! ― Nor come before me creeping. ― Upon your knees if you appear, ― 'Tis plain you have no standing here." ― "Then Justice came. His Honor cried: ― "YOUR states? ― Devil seize you!" ― "Amica curiae," she replied ― "Friend of the court, so please you." ― "Begone!" he shouted ― "There's the door -- ― I never saw your face before!"
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Once upon a time there was a magnet, and in its close neighborhood lived some steel filings. One day two or three filings felt a sudden desire to go and visit the magnet, and they began to talk of what a pleasant thing it would be to do. Other filings nearby overheard their conversation, and they, too, became infected with the same desire. Still others joined them, till at last all the filings began to discuss the matter, and more and more their vague desire grew into an impulse. "Why not go today?" said some of them; but others were of the opinion that it would be better to wait until tomorrow. Meanwhile, without their having noticed it, they had been involuntarily moving nearer to the magnet, which lay there quite still, apparently taking no heed of them. And so they went on discussing, all the time insensibly drawing nearer to their neighbor; and the more they talked, the more they felt the impulse growing stronger, till the more impatient ones declared that they would go that day, whatever the rest did. Some were heard to say that it was their duty to visit the magnet, and that they ought to have gone long ago. And, while they talked, they moved always nearer and nearer, without realizing they had moved. Then, at last, the impatient ones prevailed, and, with one irresistible impulse, the whole body cried out, "There is no use waiting. We will go today. We will go now. We will go at once. ― And then in one unanimous mass they swept along, and in another moment were clinging fast to the magnet on every side. Then the magnet smiled — for the steel filings had no doubt at all but that they were paying that visit on their own free will."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up."
― Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide
"One's real life is often the life that one does not lead."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Only the shallow know themselves."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. . . . Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Pandemonium, noun: Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his pride of distinction."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) in The Devil's Dictionary
"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"[People tell me] I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II."
― Dave Barry, An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar
"People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns . . . behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth . . . with braces on them."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it."
― Frederic Ogden Nash (1902 to 1971)
"Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Poetry, like chastity, can be carried too far."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Politeness: The most acceptable form of hypocrisy."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing Half a pound of tuppenny rice Half a pound of treacle That's the way the chimney smokes Pope Goestheveezl The square was finally cleared by armed Carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant B'ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K'oln in 1653."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Pray, verb: Asking that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Predestination, noun: The doctrine that all things occur according to programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime."
― Dave Barry, Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know
"Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water."
― Dave Barry, Why Humor is Funny
"Quote me as saying I was misquoted."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Reflections on Ice-Breaking: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."
― Frederic Ogden Nash (1902 to 1971)
"Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man ― living in the sky ― who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do.. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! . . . But He loves you."
― George Denis Patrick Carlin (1937 to 2008)
"Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief"
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Religion, noun: A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland."
― National Lampoon, Deteriorata
"Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before."
― Stephen Wright
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy neighbor keep it wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water version of the Fourth Commandment: Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine ordinance."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employ a million."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Say Goodnight, Gracie"
― George Burns, Nathan Birnbaum (1896 to 1996)
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking others to live as one wishes to live."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Sleep, baby, sleep, in peace may you slumber, no danger lurks, your sleep to encumber, we've got the missiles, peace to determine; . . . And one of the fingers on the button will be . . . German. Why shouldn't they have nuclear warheads? England says no, but they are all soreheads. I say a bygone should be a bygone, let's make peace the way we did in Stanleyville and Saigon."
― Tom Lehrer, Thomas Andrew Lehrer (born 1928) in the lyrics to his satirical song MLF Lullabye performed on the television show That Was The Week That Was
"So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes . . ."
― Dave Barry, Sweating Out Taxes
"So much for 'Objective Journalism'. Don't bother to look for it here ― not under any byline of mine; or anyone else I can think of. With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market tabulations, there is no such thing as 'Objective Journalism'. The phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms."
― Hunter Stockton Thompson (1937 to 2005), Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Some of you . . . may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money and go to a mall."
― Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide
"Some points to remember [about animals]: 1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; 2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; 3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs you have just kicked."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"Sponges grow in the ocean . . . that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"Strange, because they are so frankly and hysterically insane ― like all dreams: a God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave his angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice and invented hell ― mouths mercy and invented hell ― mouths Golden Rules, and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship him!"
― The Mysterious Stranger Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of 'Camptown Races'. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"The Army has carried the American . . . ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability."
― Tom Lehrer, Thomas Andrew Lehrer (born 1928)
"The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but ― here is the big difference ― in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots."
― Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide
"The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The bible is a mass of fables and tradition, mere mythology."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The difference between the right word and a similar word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also"
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The Gods offer no reward for intellect. There was never one yet that showed any interest in it."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910) Reflections on Being the Delight of God
"The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group."
― Attribution unknown
"The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know ― and then stop."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too."
― Oscar Levant (1906 to 1972)
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The only proper intoxication is conversation."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"The Pig, if I am not mistaken, gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig."
― Frederic Ogden Nash (1902 to 1971)
"The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie. A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. Do I want one? God Forbiddie!"
― Frederic Ogden Nash (1902 to 1971)
"The problem . . . is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer."
― Dave Barry, Postpetroleum Guzzler
"The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"The Pudd'nhead Maxims: These wisdoms are for the luring of youth toward high moral altitudes. The author did not gather them from practice, but from observation. To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910),
Following the Equator (1897) Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910) (1835 - 1910), Notebook, 1935
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 to 1950)
"The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The sign said 'eight items or less'. So I changed my name to Les."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"The soul and substance of what customarily ranks as patriotism is moral cowardice ―and always has been."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)'s Notebook
"The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat."
― Frederic Ogden Nash (1902 to 1971)
"The two leading recipes for success are building a better mousetrap and finding a bigger loophole."
― Edgar A. Shoaff
"The two Testaments are interesting, each in its own way. The Old one gives us a picture of these people's Deity as he was before he got religion, the other one gives us a picture of him as he appeared afterward. The Old Testament is interested mainly in blood and sensuality. The New one in Salvation. Salvation by fire. The first time the Deity came down to earth, he brought life and death; when he came the second time, he brought hell."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910), from Letter X of Letters From The Earth
"The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession, what there is of it."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The world is run by very intelligent people who are pulling one on us, or by imbeciles who mean what they say."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"The worst vice of the fanatic is his sincerity."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"There are some natures which never grow large enough to speak out and say a bad act is a bad act, until they have inquired into the politics or the nationality of the man who did it . . . ."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too."
― Dave Barry, Postpetroleum Guzzler
"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it."
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 to 1950)
"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"There isn't a Parallel of Latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if it had had its rights."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"There was a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
― Oscar Levant (1906 to 1972)
"There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again."
― Swami Beyondananda
"They [London Family Hotels] are a London specialty. God has not permitted them to exist elsewhere. . . . All the modern inconveniences are furnished, and some that have been obsolete for a century. The bedrooms are hospitals for incurable furniture."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910) in a letter to J. Y. M. MacAlister, September 1900
"They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!"
― Doctor Seuss, Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 to 1991)
"This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift."
― Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether ― whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation . . . A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Time wounds all heels."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Too bad that all the people who really know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."
― George Burns, Nathan Birnbaum (1896 to 1996)
"Too fucking busy, and vice versa."
― Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Rothschild (1893 to 1967), in reply to her editor who was bugging her for her belated work while she was on her honeymoon.
"Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely . . . Broad, wholesome, charitable views cannot be acquired by vegetating in one's little corner of the earth."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay you can kick it around all day, and it will be round and full at evening."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Truthful: Dumb and illiterate."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow."
― Tom Lehrer, Thomas Andrew Lehrer (born 1928)
"Two signs in a gas station window: Help wanted, Self service."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting."
― Doctor Seuss, Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 to 1991)
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities."
― Walter Crawford Kelly, Jr. (1913 to 1973) American cartoonist (Pogo)
"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
― Walter Crawford Kelly, Jr. (1913 to 1973)
"We have the best government that money can buy."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"We live in an age that reads too much to be wise."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly."
― Dave Barry, Simple, Homespun Gifts
"Well, there were sixty-eight people there, and sixty-two of them had no more desire to throw a stone than you had." "Satan!" "Oh, it's true. I know your race. It is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise. Sometimes the noisy handful is right, sometimes wrong; but no matter, the crowd follows it. The vast majority of the race, whether savage or civilized, are secretly kind-hearted and shrink from inflicting pain, but in the presence of the aggressive and pitiless minority they don't dare to assert themselves. Think of it! One kind-hearted creature spies upon another, and sees to it that he loyally helps in iniquities which revolt both of them. Speaking as an expert, I know that ninety-nine out of a hundred of your race were strongly against the killing of witches when that foolishness was first agitated by a handful of pious lunatics in the long ago. And I know that even to-day, after ages of transmitted prejudice and silly teaching, only one person in twenty puts any real heart into the harrying of a witch. And yet apparently everybody hates witches and wants them killed. Some day a handful will rise up on the other side and make the most noise ― perhaps even a single daring man with a big voice and a determined front will do it ― and in a week all the sheep will wheel and follow him, and witch-hunting will come to a sudden end."
― The Mysterious Stranger Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"What a hell of a heaven it will be, when they get all these hypocrites assembled there!"
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
""What is it you hate about Jazz, Bruce?" . . . Bruce: "The Sound."
― from a skit on Kids in the Hall
"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left."
― Oscar Levant (1906 to 1972)
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Whatever it is, I'm against it!"
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Whatever temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'd be ninety."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
― Emo Philips, Phil Soltanec (born 1956)
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"When one looks into the window of a store which sells devotional art objects, one can't help wishing the iconoclasts had won."
― Wystan Hugh Auden (1907 to 1973) in Postscript: Christianity & Art
"When primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in business as we now think of it. They engaged in squatting around in caves naked. This went on for, I would say, roughly two or three million years, when all of a sudden a primitive person, named Oog, came up with an idea. "Why not," he said, "pile thousands of humongous stones on top of each other in the desert to form great big geometric shapes?" Well, everybody thought this was an absolutely terrific idea. It wasn't until several thousand years later that they realized they had been suckered into a classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course, by that time, Oog was in the Bahamas."
― Dave Barry on pyramid schemes
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
― Hunter Stockton Thompson (1937 to 2005), Fear and Loathing at the Super Bowl Rolling Stone #155, February 28, 1974
"When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____ that."
― Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part."
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 to 1950)
"When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to stop and reconsider."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Whenever I see a dalmation, I say, 'What number are you?' "
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"Whenever I think about the past it brings back so many memories."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth."
― Mark Twain Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Who are you going to believe, me or those crooked x-rays?"
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved"
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
― Lily Tomlin
"Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your children open their old-fashioned presents. Your 11-year-old son: 'What the heck is this?' You: 'A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!' Son: 'Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, and I get this cretin TOP?' Your 8-year-old daughter says: 'You think that's bad? Look at this'. You: 'It's figgy pudding! What a treat!' Daughter: 'It looks like goat barf'.
― Dave Barry, Simple, Homespun Gifts
"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery . . . by leaving it out."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
"Women and elephants never forget."
― Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Rothschild (1893 to 1967)
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back. Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up."
― Dave Barry, Postpetroleum Guzzler
"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 to 1900)
"Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."
― Ambrose Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 to 1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
"You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say we are the ones that need help?"
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses."
― Dave Barry, Simple, Homespun Gifts
"You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.''
― James Thurber
"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
― Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"You can't get snot off of a suede jacket."
― Lenny Bruce
"You can't have everything . . . where would you put it?"
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified," which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last names. . . . The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form."
― Dave Barry, Sweating Out Taxes
"You have a mongrel perception of humor, nothing more; a multitude of you possess that. This multitude see the comic side of a thousand low-grade and trivial things ― broad incongruities, mainly; grotesqueries, absurdities, evokers of the horse-laugh. The ten thousand high-grade comicalities which exist in the world are sealed from their dull vision. Will a day come when the race will detect the funniness of these juvenilities and laugh at them ― and by laughing at them destroy them? For your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon ― laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution ― these can lift at a colossal humbug ― push it a little ― weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. You are always fussing and fighting with your other weapons. Do you ever use that one? No; you leave it lying rusting. As a race, do you ever use it at all? No; you lack sense and the courage." "
― The Mysterious Stranger Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 to 1910)
"You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip over? Well, that's how I feel all the time."
― Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)
"You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World."
― Dave Barry, How to Dress for Real Success
"You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily."
― Dave Barry, Postpetroleum Guzzler
"You think, because you have a purpose, Nature must have one. You might as well expect it to have fingers and toes because you have them."
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 to 1950)
"You wouldn't know satire if it walked up to you on the street bare naked, bit your ass, and then proceeded to put on a rainbow colored afro wig and started jumping up and down singing 'The time to get a clue is now!'"
― Joel Jones on satire
"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."
― Groucho Marx, Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 to 1977)
"Youth is wasted on the young."
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 to 1950)